Hello everyone
I've been pretty restless since I got back from Tanzania, I didn't really think too much into it at first....after all I've just been away for eighteen days on the most amazing adventure, climbing a mountain, going on safari and seeing some amazing wild animals in their natural habitat.....having the most amazing but very humbling experience when we went shopping for food for the orphanage and spending the afternoon playing with the children. And all the other memories of the trip rolling around in my head, the friends we made and the continuous laughs we had.
I expected to feel this way, especially when I found the missing version of myself on that trip - on the mountain actually....the explorer version of myself that I lost along the way.....on my journey of treatments, meds and all the consequent diagnosed illnesses and complications in the past few years. But I also expected the restlessness to have faded as real life and work took over.
Thus so far hasn't been the case, don't get me wrong, I love my work and spending all day outside with the gorgeous doggie clans....but I'm still restless. Restless and my concentration is shot.
I had a MRI last week and am back to see my consultant later this month - if this doesn't show anything I know he is going to refer me to the chronic pain clinic....I have had investigation after investigation to which so far in three years they haven't been able to pinpoint what is causing the pain in my left side. The latest theory is it's actually been generated from my dorsal spine - whether it's an old trapping of a nerve that's been damaged and is causing the pain....or a possibility of some deterioration of my spine due to the osteoporosis, I sincerely hope it's nothing to do with the latter. Anyway, I'll know end of month.
I think a fair bit of it stems from my being stalled at myself and a lost chance to get to know someone I actually really liked because I didn't know she liked me back. I can't explain or put into words how frustrating it is to not understand when someone is flirting with you, showing their interest in you and you not getting it. I thought she only liked me as a friend when in fact it was more than that.....and by the time I found out, it was too late. The really sad irony of all this is that we've been in contact before and it all went wrong....turns out for the same reason, and even though I tried to explain my problem of my kindergarden understanding of relationship beginnings, I just don't think she believed me. I think she thought I was just messing with her head. And anyone who knows me knows I would never do anything like that, be so disrespectful to anyone, never mind someone I liked a lot. I take things very literally and it's not like I'm going to say to someone I've just started talking to - oh hey, I don't understand flirting so won't get it....just in case you were planning to do that.....how completely sad would I look? I really hoped to get through the first awkward stage and for her to realise I wasn't understanding and to think it endearing and not just freaky. After that I would be okay, But I wasn't to get that chance. How sad that I feel like I lost her twice when the fact is, she was never mine in the first place.
I feel like I want to be off doing something, something new to take up my thoughts and occupy my mind for a while. Off exploring because the travel bug is back. I am enjoying writing the posts from the Kilimanjaro trip, and in fairness I've got lots I should be writing.....so maybe the answer is to sink myself into that. Who knows if it goes well it might generate the funds to allow me to be off exploring and writing about further adventures!
Here's to me hoping I start to settle soon because I could do with some more sleep for sure!
I'll be doing the next installment of the Kili climb later in the week.
Until next time
Tracy
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