Dodgy Thursday

When I started this blog and sat to write about myself I had to decide what or how much I was going to say. I figured if I was going to try not only raise money but more importantly awareness then I had to be honest about what had gone on with me and be honest about the here and now too. The one thing I didn't want was for the blog to come over with a negative vibe, because I honestly aren't a negative person ( ask anyone who knows me), but like everyone else I have my dodgy days too......today is one of those days, whether it's because I'm still not really very well and feeling run down that I'm not feeling good about myself I'm honestly not sure.

It's really weird you know, when I found the lump in my breast and the hospital told me it was 99% certain to be cancer but I had to go back the following week for the biopsy results from the pathology lab I didn't freak out or panic, at that point I knew the following week it would be positive,and there was no way they would have said that to me really if there was a chance it was nothing, I knew that too. It's hard to explain but I honestly felt calm ( but in fairness I'm like that with everything ), I walked out of the hospital and decided when I got home I was going to confirm for myself that the insurance policy I had insisted in taking out the year before would indeed pay the mortgage off ( one less financial worry to think about ). Getting confirmation, having surgery, chemo and then radiation therapy was fine...I'm not saying I wasn't ill because I was, but on a mental and emotional level I was fine and found myself calming everyone around me down with honesty and humour.

This is why even though I know there is nothing more I can possibly be doing to try and keep myself healthy ( which is such a battle as I find myself getting diagnosed with more things, having investigations done and struggling with many side effects form the drugs I am on, a cascade from my cancer diagnosis my doctors say ) I find myself at times ( like today ) unable to brush off my upset and frustration at my weight gain! it's so pathetic really in the scheme of things, but no matter how I try to rationalize that I am in fact alive and surviving a life threatening illness I cannot stop myself from feeling so utterly down and fed up about my lack of control over my weight. I never really felt before how feeling uncomfortable about yourself could have such a profound effect on your life, I had never experienced that. When I have spoken with my GP about this issue, I am told ( and it is more than a fair point ) that I am surviving a vicious illness of which the drug are even worse with really nasty side effects..... but I am surviving. So I ask myself, am I that vain about my outer shell and it not been as it was that I whine about it and that I need to get a grip or is it about not only surviving a vicious illness but also about a balance in my life that makes it so I can actually really enjoy "surviving". I have found myself asking this question on more than one occasion and I have not found an answer I can live with yet. I of course don't want to stop drugs no matter how harsh they are if they give me a better chance of survival...I'm really not stupid, however it's really hard when the results make me sad sometimes.

I also know within a day or two I will have moved past my "dodgy" day and will be off positively telling anyone who is willing to listen that life after or while surviving cancer can be more than fulfilling, especially when doing things for others :)

Rant over for today hee hee

Until next time

Tracy