If it wasn't for the fact I have/had illnesses I'd believe I was suffering from Munchausen syndrome - boy you couldn't script everything that's gone on with me in the last too many years!
I've been very quiet here on my blog this year, a couple of reasons for this.....the first is my lack of drive in organising charity events after a very disappointing year last year what with the Zumba etc . Although conquering Ben Nevis was a personal high! I still puff my chest up with pride knowing I conquered the highest point in the UK and overall was happy with my time especially with all the issues I had with cramps in my right calf and both quads ( I tell you trying to slide uphill on packed down slippy snow was a challenge all on it's own! )
The second and still ongoing is problems I've been having again this year with my own health ( it feels like a never ending battle some days ). It's not been the best of times and I have tried very hard to stay upbeat about it, and the majority of time I succeed....there are however days when even I the ever optimist fail!
I also think earlier this year I came the closest ever to a breakdown, I was so very stressed with so many things and I really struggled to get through it on my own - but somehow I did, still not sure how, one thing I learned is alcohol and Facebook really don't mix when you are at a personal low - I let loose a bit more than I would have wanted too, but I can't change that fact and actually feel sorry for those friends on there that actually witnessed it.....only positive? it would have been worse in person.
The causes of the near breakdown? major stress of serious financial worries, the house not selling and coming to the realization I couldn't afford to live in it or to move out. I was totally trapped in this nightmare cycle of depending on my sister to bail me out, my mum and sister helping to buy food for me.....house viewing after house viewing not reaping anything. Trying to sort out some house maintenance that hadn't been done since I'd been diagnosed with the cancer and consequent treatments and major health issues I'd suffered with the cancer prevention drugs. Knowing I was on my own after the break up of my relationship of 14 years, no-one to help take the burden ( there again better to be on your own than with someone who disrespects you for years as it turned out ), trying always to down play my anxiety and stress levels to everyone because they all know I'm not supposed to get stressed because of the cancer. Not been able to find a job because no-one was willing to give me a chance even though I was applying for jobs well within my skill base because of my health history....they were scared I'd take lots of time off work, and even maybe be diagnosed with the cancer again....it was dark times indeed for me - my self esteem and self confidence was kicked and battered around the job market day after day. So I finally took control of that aspect of my life and started my own business, this was a real turning point because I stopped the depressing cycle of rejection.
One of the biggest kicks in the teeth was the buyer who pulled out one hour before contracts were to be exchanged - this was after four months of pandering to her every whim in order to get rid of the house. It was the straw that broke the camels back as it were and nearly completely pushed me over the edge. It got messy because I couldn't cope with the knowledge the house selling process had to start over again, and it dropped me into total despair wondering how I was to survive until it finally sold.
I think I averaged about three hours of sleep a night and that was broken sleep. Tough times indeed.
In amongst the anxiety and stress of the house and the financial worries my health was once again causing me problems - no matter how hard I try to get on an even keel something happens that causes me to slip backwards. Not that this stops me from getting up again to push forward once more....but it is tiring to keep doing so. The aspect I have always found the most difficult is not being able to exercise or train properly or at all. Anyone who knows me understands how much I crave the outdoors, I love been out and about, and really enjoy pushing myself to better my time,score or whatever measurement I've set myself. I thrive on setting myself really tough challenges, it's what drives me when I'm not feeling my best, so for an illness to make that impossible I find the toughest to cope with.
The end of October 2013 saw me get what I at first thought was a stitch after completing a training session with my cousin Paul - he was putting me through my paces with my cage fight training ( no I'm not planning on competing, but the training is bloody great! ) and as I finished my session I got a stitch we laughed about it and said luckily I'd finished and not just started. I had a glass of water but the pain hadn't gone when I'd finished it.....so I figured it was a slight muscle strain. I text Paul the next morning cancelling my session for the day saying I'd take the weekend off to recover and would see him Monday.
Around 2 am on the Sunday morning I was woken up with the most awful explosion of pain in my right side, it took my breath away and I struggled to turn off my right side to my back. I did it eventually and after a tremendous effort managed to get myself over to the edge of the bed and into a sitting position - I was panting very shallow breaths and the pain had not eased at all, this had taken me about 45 minutes to get sat up. I spent the rest of the early hours of the morning shuffling around upstairs and the pain finally eased enough to allow me to sit down around 7 am.
I was in lots of discomfort all day Sunday and didn't even manage to go downstairs to make a cup of tea - well that says it all - me, the constant tea drinker! My sister Debbie rang me in the afternoon and knew straight away something was wrong, I refused to let her take me to A&E and said if it hadn't eased off the following day I'd phone the doctor. I did phone the doctor the next day and so started the investigations into my flank pain for the second time in 2013 when I finally saw them.
November see's a new problem rear its head for me, I experienced some spotting and vaginal bleeding, this in itself was a shock seen as I had been kicked into a premature menopause in the Aug of 2009 by the CMF chemotherapy. I took it as a one off but when just over 10 days later I experienced yet another episode I made an appointment to see my GP. The surgery made a referral for an internal ultrasound to check what was going on as well as scans for my left and right flank pains ( which have been ongoing for 2 years now ). So it was a case of coping with the pains in my flanks and recording any further bleeding and for how long it went on for.
I had my scan date which was Dec 23rd - this showed that I had in fact got gallstones ( runs in the family ) and a thickening in the uterus wall ( the opposite of what normally happens when you are post menopausal apparently ) . The scan didn't show anything up regarding the left flank pain. I couldn't get back to see my GP and where we went from there until Jan of this year.
So 2 referrals were made, the gallbladder and the uterus wall thickening. I saw the consultant about my bleeding/uterus issue in the Feb and he decided to do a hysteoroscopy under general anaesthetic to see what was going on. By this time I had had 8 separate bleeding episodes. I was scheduled for this procedure as a day case at the end of Feb. The good news from the hyseoroscopy was it showed no signs of cancer and the bleeding was put down to an infection. I'm happy to report I've had no bleeding since the procedure. He also said the thickening in the wall of my uterus was nothing to be concerned about as everything looked fine.
I finally got a consultation about my gallstone problem ( this had been playing me up badly since October ) early April, so as soon as I sat down I was told they would be definitely removing my gallbladder but there was a problem. I asked what that was, only to be told my ultrasound scan from Dec had been lost ( how do you lose an electronic scan???? ) - I said you mean someone has deleted it off the system?! He said he needed to have another done before I could be scheduled for surgery and he would make me another clinic appointment for 6 weeks time, and for me to make sure I'd had the scan done before that - I felt like ripping my hair out,I've not been able to train or exercise since October and I'm climbing the walls! I asked if the pain in my left was caused by the gallstones/gallbladder to which he said no way. This was the exact opposite of what I wanted to hear. I said if you know you're taking it out, do it without the scan, he said he couldn't he needed to see my bile duct.....I said have a look while you're in there! he started laughing and said I can't. I tried my best to get him to just do it, he wouldn't saying he really needed to see if there was any damage to my bile duct and to also check my liver because of my history of cancer. So my cajoling failed but I can say I gave it my best!
He asked me why a consultant I'd been under in the Jan '13 had signed me off without getting to the bottom of all the pains I'd been presenting for so long ( left, center and right side ) I told him he'd have to phone and ask him because I didn't know......I told him I'd basically been told to get on and live with it, he wasn't impressed at all ( that makes the two of us! ) He asked me if I'd had the camera up my bum - to which I said no I haven't with some indignation ha ha!, he told me I must without fail get back to my GP for a referral....he was convinced the pain is been caused by bowel issues ( something else to add to the never ending list of issues )
So feeling very put out I left with another 6 week delay because some numpty had accidently deleted my Dec scan results - I really felt it would never end. It was a long wait but I finally had the scan redone to which the radiologist told me they were big and mobile ( oh I know love from the discomfort I've been suffering for months ). She showed me one of the stones, it was at the top of my gallbladder and was mobile - it was the size of a grape...so yes, pretty big, she said my gallbladder was full of them. She also scanned down my left flank and to be honest it was even sorer than my gallbladder and when she was pressing down it was taking my breath away. She told me my kidney looked fine but as she carried on scanning my side she said again it was looking like classic bowel issues ( whatever that is ). An ultrasound cannot see anything in your bowel because it's too dense.
So I was back into clinic to be told the surgery would be 6-8 weeks away, I groaned and moaned saying I'd already had to endure a 6 week delay due to someone's mistake over my original scan, I was however sent up to the pre op ward to at least get all that out of the way only to be told they couldn't do it and I would have to return in 2 weeks time. So off I tootles home. The following day they phoned me saying I needed to have me pre op much sooner than my appointed time, I asked when, they said Friday of that week - so back I goes on Friday.
I was taken in for day surgery on June 20th ( 4 weeks after last consult ) for keyhole gallbladder removal. How far has medicine come when you go into hospital first thing in the morning and come home the afternoon of the same day minus an organ!! amazing stuff really. I was told 2 weeks of absolutely nothing and thereafter a slow build up to normal activities. In reality I did nothing for 4 days ( hey I'm self employed and 2 weeks was never a possibility ) then was back at work with lots of help for the first week and then back out on my own thereafter.....I've been a little slower than normal and I know I've had something done.....but must say I'm very happy with my progress.
I'm not 100% and I'm having various problems which I'm not sure if they are part of the recovery process or something that needs addressing, I will get onto it soon. I've on and off been violently sick and am suffering with diarrhea after food consumption every time. I have a pain in my back/side more often than not and what feels like an air bubble in the general vicinity of where the gallbladder was. Anyway if it doesn't settle soon I'll go back to see my GP - I have been once about it, around 2 weeks after my surgery....she didn't seem overly concerned at the time. Time will tell.
I have just got my referral through to start the process off with the left flank pain which I hopefully will find out what has been causing it for the last 2 years and more importantly that they will be able to treat and get rid of. I'm optimistic an end could be in sight for this!
And to my last medical drama of the year so far! On July 3rd I went to the breast clinic for my 6 monthly check and also my annual mammogram. This day marked my 5 year clear of cancer and I was hoping for my release from the hospital. ( I know people who were discharged at 3 years ) Now it's all very confusing for me because when I was there for my check up in Jan, they told me it was no way near a definite that I would be given the all clear and sent on my way in July and there were many variables to be taken into account, when I questioned this, all they said was it was to be discussed and I would find out in due course. I still don't understand the reasoning or why he was so cryptic about it.
The doctor was giving me my physical and as I pulled away in pain ( I have acute pain in the area around where they did the sentinal lympth node biopsy ) he said to me I've felt a lump, have you felt a lump? my answer was no. I was told I'd be having my mammogram as normal but would require an ultrasound to check out the lump, unfortunately it couldn't be that day because of how busy they were ( clinic day has normally around 3/4 different clinics going at the same time ) and I'd get a call arranging for me to come in. I had my mammogram and left the hospital for the day.
I got a call the following Tuesday to go for my ultrasound on the Thursday ( last week ), I went and had the ultrasound done and can confirm there is a mass or lump there but it isn't a recurrence of my breast cancer. ( unofficially told by radiologist ) The mass or thickened breast tissue is most likely scarring from the radiation therapy. I will be called back to the hospital for them to officially tell me the ultrasound was clear and I'm hoping that they will then discharge me......guess I'll have to wait and see on that front.
But regardless of whether the hospital discharge me or not, the fact is I've made 5 years clear of cancer and for that I'm celebrating my life!
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It has been at times a real tough and frustrating slog - especially when I on the cancer prevention drugs, I suffered so badly with the side effects for 2 whole years with greatly reduced mobility and a poor quality of life, for goodness sakes I could hardly get out of bed on my own and dress myself. So the decision that took me a year to make - to stop the prevention drugs 3 years early was the right one for me. And even through some quite heated discussions with the medical profession who tried to get me back on them, I stood my ground. I told them I understand the risks I've put myself under but feel totally vindicated at the fact I' m now living my life and not been forced to watch it pass on by.
I climbed Ben Nevis last year - the highest point in the United Kingdom and regardless of my current health issues, my plan is to climb Mount.Kilimanjaro next year.
I will always endeavour to set and complete challenges, to live my life to the utmost everyday and try to get through the dodgy ones with humility and humour. I motivate myself by keeping myself positive. YOLO has in some instances been taken and made a negative by individuals who will use it for an excuse for bad or poor behaviour, a reason to not accept responsibility for themselves.
Well I claim it back for everyone who battles and fights on a daily basis because some of us are lucky enough to fully understand the You Only Live Once outlook on life - I embrace my day and thank my lucky stars I've got another one. The saying stop and smell the roses - try it someday, you'll be amazed how enriched your day and life will be.
I'm positively looking forward to my health issues getting sorted this year and hoping for nothing more than onwards and upwards in my future. I will continue to try my hardest to make this happen.
Until next time
Tracy
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