Hello everyone
It's finally sorted and booked! I cannot even begin to put into words the excitement, the relief even that it's finally going to happen. Each and every time it had to be delayed for whatever reason it chipped away at my confidence that it would ever happen. I've waited a long time to get to this point and know no matter how hard it is, I am going to savour every single second of it!
2014 has just like every year since diagnosis been a completely mixed bag on every front. Some health issues have been diagnosed and finally sorted, others are still been investigated and the discomfort and uncertainty remain.
This year saw me having two individual cancer scares which I've mentioned in previous posts. The great news is that the scares turned out to be just that- scares, but it does still play with your mind a little. With the second one this July gone, I found myself re-evaluating my life, my plans once more.....with all the messing about I'd endured over the build of my boat,and to find out I'd been lied to yet again over the start date of the build - I was so angry, that I've cancelled the project all together.
Friends & family were curious as to why, and with reason, it's been my plan for over 12 months....but the fact is I had been sent off for tests for another lump found in my breast ( same one I had cancer in ) and I thought exactly the same as the first time, it is what it is, let's see what we are dealing with, if anything....but while I went for the tests I thought about the boat and my frustration with it, if I had cancer again, who would the boat be left to, who would have the hassle of dealing with it, was it the best plan to tie up all my cash in the boat and have nothing to actually live my life....especially after the previous few years where I literally had nothing and was struggling to survive. It's not like I have children to think of, and no matter what happens - I want to live my life to the fullest......I'm done with the struggling, as far as I'm concerned it's time to let loose and enjoy, it's taken enough years to get my health back on track to do so.
And sadly again another reminder of our own mortality - Linda Bellingham bless her lost her battle with cancer yesterday (Monday ) actually my birthday and it does reset my mind a little. All through my own personal journey with the cancer, I have never broken down and cried, I've never actually felt sad about it, it is what it it and the only thing I could ever control was how I was going to deal with my treatments....and me being me I did so with interest and humour. And the only time I've thought about my own mortality was when a dear friend passed away after losing his battle with cancer after it came back after 15 years in remission. I suddenly thought, it really can just appear back in your body at any time, just like that. I read the message from a mutual friend who had informed me of Tommy's passing and I just cried and cried, not in fear of myself but for the loss of one of the kindest and most gentle of men I had ever had the pleasure to know.
So when things like this are happening around you all the time and even though you are clear of cancer right now and god willing will stay that way - it makes you look at everything in the greatest of detail. I live my life to the fullest I can every day, I try to fill it with fun and laughter, and try to make others lives fun too. The only impression I want to leave others with of myself are positive ones where they think I'm glad I met/chatted with Tracy....if only for a few minutes. And I 'll know it was the real me they got.
It's made me try to be braver on the personal front, no-one ever believes me but I am actually a shy, I've never understood or got flirting, I don't even realise if someone is flirting with me, unless it's has subtle as a sledge hammer! but with everything that's happened in my life in recent years, I want to be able to laugh and chat with girls and see where it takes me, it's the scariest thing in the world, I don't know how to go about it all really. I just know I want to be brave enough to say I like you to someone who catches my eye....I know more than most life is fleeting and needs grabbing with both hands. The positive from all this scary stuff is that I've healed enough in myself to be even thinking this....so we'll see if anything ever comes of it!! I miss touching, holding hands, cuddles and hugs....I miss all that the most.
For the longest time I didn't believe I deserved another chance at happiness, that I didn't have anything to offer anyone in a relationship, that after the surgery and all the cascade of illnesses etc it made me somehow not whole, inferior or damaged goods if you want....and who in their right mind would want to deal with all that? it's been the toughest part of my whole cancer journey to get to the point where I think, maybe there's someone out there that won't find it a massive chore, that thinks maybe I am worth it. Well like I say I'm trying to be brave and that's all I can do...right?
I'm back with my consultant on the 23rd Oct for the results from my recent Colonoscopy, here's hoping for some answers to the pain in my left side....if not it's onto the next investigative procedure....all I can say is after 2 years I'd just like a bit of a breather from the discomfort. So we'll see what happens on results day!I will of course keep you informed of the results and the follow up if any.
Until next time
Tracy
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